In the glamorous 1940s, everyone knew the proper response to the single line reading: “The favor of a reply is requested.” Each lady would script an elegant note about their attendance and promptly return the response card within 2 weeks. They would not have invited an additional guest, inquired about special food preparations, or responded late.

As a bride you are learning all about the proper etiquette for invitations, but not all of your friends are at the same place in their education. Today there are modern trends for modern times. Amidst the etiquette ins and outs of response cards and responding to your guests’ responses, here is the first in a two part series to get you started with the response cards. See Response Cards: Part 2 for etiquette in this situation.

The M________ Line

This is the beginning of the response card. It signals for the guest to fill in their name(s). Be sure to leave enough room for multiple names to be filled in, just in case you have invited a family. Also, make note if the guest added someone else’s name in addition.

Attendance Lines

This allows your guest to indicate if they will be attending your wedding. Design trends incorporate a square, circle, or other motifs in place of the lines. Here are a few popular ones, from formal to fun.

Will ____ attend

____ Will attend
____ Will not attend

____ Happily, will attend
____ Regretfully, will not attend

Will attend
____ In body
____ In spirit

Number to Attend Line

Sometimes used just after the attendance lines is the number to attend line. This is good to include if you want to specifically indicate that children are welcome to the ceremony, or if there are multiple members of a family being invited. Be sure to double check the count indicated by your guest with the number you actually invited, as the guest may misunderstand that you are allowing them to invite additional guests. See “Response Cards Part 2”, for etiquette in this situation.

Meal Lines

The meal lines are important to include if your catering vendor requires a specific count on various meals. Or, there may be a per guest fee if you prefer that guests decide their meal choice when they have the menu in front of them, as opposed to giving a count in advance. Be sure to check with your caterer and to do the taste testing before you settle on the invitations! New trends are to use pictures such as a cow, chicken, fish, or vegetable for the choices. You can be as vague, or as specific as you like, depending on the amount of information your caterer has available.

Event, Arrival, and Lodging Lines

For destination or weekend-long weddings, consider creating a larger, multi-purpose response card. Provide a brief description of the events and accompanying response lines. You can also include lines to find out where your guests might be staying, when they are arriving, and what they will be doing.

Return Line

The return line is a deadline for your guests. Check with your custom invitation designer to find out how much time they will need to create your place, escort, and table cards, menus, programs, or any other items needed for the day of your ceremony. Often this is the deadline. Generally speaking, if you are sending your invitations out 6 weeks in advance, your return line can reasonably require a 2 to 3 week turn around for your guests, giving you 3 to 4 weeks to prepare the numbers for your caterer, coordinator, site, and custom designer.

Guest’s Notes

As the bride and groom, it is fun to hear people’s reactions to your beautiful and unique invitation, or how excited they are to see you on your special day. Leave some space to encourage this. Some couples have asked that guests write lyrics to their favorite song or poem, draw a picture, or recount their favorite memory of the couple. This space will also give the invited guest a place to express their reasons for not attending your wedding. That one explanation can help keep a friendship together. Your mother’s crowd will instinctively write a note, as that is what was done when they were married.

Response Envelope

Traditionally, the response goes back to the parents of the bride. This was done because a bride’s parents issued the invitation, and mothers were overseeing the details of the wedding. However, today there is an increasing number of brides who want the joy of opening the response card. This is also acceptable, especially because many brides are attending to the details of their own wedding. Also, check with your custom invitation designer or wedding coordinator, who can accept and organize the responses for you for a fee.

Navigating Responses

Receiving response cards from your wedding invitation can be one of the most exciting moments leading up to your special day. A best friend writes, ìI can’t wait to see your radiant smile as you walk down the aisle.î An aunt says, ìWe love you both so much and are looking forward to your fabulous wedding!î A mother’s best friend exclaims: ìThis is the most exquisite invitation I have ever seen!î

With all the wonderful responses, there are a few that can be challenging – a guest invited an additional person, a response is late, or a close friend sends their regrets. When handling these situations, the best policy is to be gracious and honest. End on a positive note. Here are some common situations and a few sample responses to them.

A guest invited someone else to additionally attend.
As a bride, you took every precaution to tailor the guest list to close family, friends, and business associates. The site has a strict attendance cap. That extra person is costing $200 in food, services, valet, fees etc. Your parents have said that if it goes over the original count, it is your responsibility to pay for the extra guests. You already invited the married, engaged, and live-in couples. The calligrapher even addressed the outer and inner envelope specifically to one person, without a guest. As if you don’t have enough stress as the bride!

And yet, it does happen. Especially because couples are dating longer, marrying later, living together without being married, and because weddings are seen as a social event.

If it is a friend who wants to bring someone they have been dating for a month and thought that the wedding day would be a great time for the next fun date, try:
îWe are going through our guest count and noticed there was a response for two. While we wish we could have your guest, our site is strict about how may people we can have. We know you will see lots familiar faces at our wedding, as we are inviting our closest circle of family and friends. We look forward to see you on our special day!î

A business associate wants to invite a girlfriend that you have met casually on a few occasions. Try: ìThank you so much for your response. We are so excited to have Steve’s friends and co-workers to our wedding. Unfortunately, our site only allows a certain number of guests, and we are already over our limit. Please extend our apologies to Nancy. We look forward to having you two over for dinner. We’ve seated all of you at one table so that it will be a fun night of dining and dancing!î

Several guests’ responses are late in arriving
The postal service’s ìsnail mailî can take a few days, especially if we are in a high alert phase, which causes the postal service to clamp down, slowing the delivery rate. If it is a week or two after your response date, phone the guest. Explain your concern that the response, or even the invitation, was lost in the mail, or delayed.

Declined Response
With the range in guests’ age, health, and finance along with family and friends spread out all over the country and world, there is bound to be the occasional regret to attend the wedding. Hopefully, the guest responded in writing, or with a phone call explaining why they are not able to attend the wedding. Although you may feel sad or resentful, do not press the issue. The reason may be something the individual is not willing to discuss – a declining health issue or a recent financial loss.

Whatever the guests’ response, keep your responses simple, honest, and courteous so that you can enjoy the planning of your special day, without regret.